| Well darlings, | | | | compared to the size of population); car |
| They're back! No, no - I'm not on about another | | | | ownership in the UK is still well below the |
| Poltergeist film. It's the official news that Mike, | | | | European Union average; we pay nearly 70p |
| Matt and Pete (Stock, Aitken And Waterman - | | | | (67% - more than two-thirds) of every pound we |
| SAW) are at it again - together. The most | | | | spend at the pumps on fuel tax; along with having |
| successful pop songwriter/producer partnership in | | | | the highest fuel taxes in Europe, we have one of |
| the world - ever! - have reunited after 14 years. | | | | the worst road networks; and of the £43.5 |
| Contrary to what we may have read in the | | | | billion a year that is collected in taxes from our |
| tabloids, the three men have apparently remained | | | | motorists, only £6.58 billion is re-invested in |
| friends throughout the years since they dissolved | | | | the roads. |
| their partnership - with Pete and Mike still | | | | I suppose we already knew, or had a rough idea |
| producing records together for another couple of | | | | of, most of that information, didn't we? But what |
| years. Any difficulties there were between the | | | | I didn't know, and I find really enlightening, is that |
| three of them over their copyright shares, | | | | our roads only actually occupy less than 1% of |
| although unpleasant, was left to be handled by | | | | the land mass of Great Britain. Somehow, now |
| their lawyers and has now been resolved. | | | | knowing that, I think I might hereafter find it very |
| Pete, who has been a judge on the pop talent | | | | hard to sympathise with any objectors to the |
| shows "Pop Idol" and "Popstars - The Rivals" | | | | couple of yards needed on either side of a |
| decided against appearing on the current X Factor | | | | motorway for another lane. How about you? |
| because his eldest son, Paul, was suffering from a | | | | There seems to have been loads of facts and |
| severe and mysterious illness at the London's | | | | figures in the last week's news. All in all it's been |
| Institute of Neurology. Tragically he died from the | | | | quite a thinking week. I mean, we all know what |
| illness earlier this year, just days after his father | | | | binge drinking and yob culture can do to a town, |
| visited Buckingham Palace to receive his OBE. The | | | | don't we? But I've never before looked at it from |
| past few years have not been kind to Pete. It | | | | an insurance company's viewpoint. |
| was only in 1999 that Paul's younger brother, Pete | | | | The insurance giant AXA surveyed almost 1,000 |
| Waterman Junior, was also seriously ill and fighting | | | | companies and the results showed that more |
| for his life after receiving serious burns following a | | | | than half blamed the yob culture for an increase in |
| karting accident. Although still grieving, Pete says | | | | crimes against their businesses - with those |
| on his web site: "I am going to be dedicating | | | | crimes including burglary, assault and anti-social |
| myself 100% to Stock Aitken Waterman from | | | | behaviour. Their research showed that businesses |
| now on; I'm not going to be juggling too many | | | | are living in fear of becoming victims. AXA believe |
| things; I am completely focused on making this | | | | they have just cause too, as the problem could |
| work. Not that it's going to be that hard...being | | | | get worse when new licensing laws allowing |
| back with Mike and Matt is like having some of | | | | 24-hour drinking come into force this week. |
| your old school mates knock on your door and | | | | And that got me thinking: what does an insurance |
| ask you out to play - it's great!" | | | | company normally do when they suspect the risk |
| The Stock Aitken And Waterman formula has | | | | is increasing? Yes, they put up the premiums, |
| been criticised by some for (they claim) producing | | | | don't they? So that's quite possibly yet another |
| a succession of manufactured acts that were | | | | downside to the 24 hour drinking that few had |
| destroying British music. Nevertheless, it has | | | | thought about until now. |
| always been a favourite on the gay scene. Who | | | | Then having started thinking, I put my brain into |
| could ever forget such fantastic floor-fillers as | | | | second gear and I imagined two nearby stores |
| these: YOU THINK YOU'RE A MAN and I'M SO | | | | selling very much the same products. What |
| BEAUTIFUL - Divine; TOY BOY - Sinitta; | | | | happens, I wondered, if one has its giant plate |
| WHATEVER I DO (WHEREVER I GO), WHO'S | | | | glass windows broken several times by yobs, and |
| LEAVING WHO, MAYBE (WE SHOULD CALL IT A | | | | the other one doesn't? Quite obviously, having |
| DAY) and the immortal SEARCHIN' - Hazell Dean; | | | | made some very expensive claims, the already a |
| BLAME IT ON THE BOOGIE and HANDFUL OF | | | | victim becomes persecuted even more as the |
| PROMISES - Big Fun (and they were!); YOU SPIN | | | | premiums rise for that shop - but not for the |
| ME ROUND (LIKE A RECORD) - Dead Or Alive; | | | | lucky nearby one. |
| LOVE IN THE FIRST DEGREE / MR SLEAZE, I | | | | Unless this shop is a part of some large chain |
| WANT YOU BACK - Bananarama; I SHOULD BE | | | | where the costs may be spread throughout, any |
| SO LUCKY, THE LOCO-MOTION, HAND ON | | | | level playing field there would have been where |
| YOUR HEART, WOULDN'T CHANGE A THING, | | | | one might have expected some healthy |
| TEARS ON MY PILLOW, BETTER THE DEVIL | | | | competition is gone. By passing on the additional |
| YOU KNOW, STEP BACK IN TIME, WHAT DO I | | | | expense to the customer, as the privately owned |
| HAVE TO DO, SHOCKED, GIVE ME JUST A | | | | shop would undoubtedly need to do, it |
| LITTLE MORE TIME, WHAT KIND OF FOOL - | | | | immediately becomes at risk of being |
| Kylie Minogue, to name just a very, very few of | | | | uncompetitive. Being insured may not save this |
| their (far too numerous to mention them all here) | | | | business from a downward spiral into oblivion. |
| hits? Many of those past successes can still be | | | | I guess that's two things now that I shall be |
| guaranteed to fill a dance floor in a gay disco | | | | looking at differently. No more will I simply be able |
| even today. | | | | to walk past thinking: 'Bl##dy yobs! I'll bet that |
| Pete Waterman tells us they've still got the same | | | | window will cost a packet to replace. I hope the |
| enthusiasm, and it comes with some new ideas. | | | | owner is insured against having the windows |
| Not wanting them to be trapped in a | | | | broken.' In some cases, being insured may only go |
| "straightjacket" by using an established singer | | | | to prolong the owner's agony. |
| (where they wouldn't be allowed to change how | | | | Finally, you must all have heard of the saying that |
| they sound) he's currently looking for a new artist | | | | one knows they are getting old when all the |
| that they can work with, and says that we should | | | | policemen seem to be so young. Well darlings, I |
| expect something from them in the New Year. I | | | | have another one for you. You know you are |
| can't wait! But meanwhile we can all enjoy the | | | | getting old when all the old wives tales you once |
| Stock Aitken Waterman Gold CD and DVD that is | | | | enjoyed being ridiculed and seeing proved wrong, |
| out now, and in good time for Christmas. Don't | | | | you now enjoy seeing being proved correct. |
| forget if you're a SAW fan there's always PWL | | | | For years the way that our grandmothers would |
| Radio at: to stick in your Favourites Menu - and | | | | insist that we should wrap up warm and keep dry |
| be sure not to miss the PWL TV section on there | | | | otherwise we would catch a chill and fall ill has |
| where you can view some video clips. | | | | been ridiculed as simply an old wives tale; |
| And there may be even more good news if | | | | something with no foundation. How we loved to |
| rumours are to be believed: It's being said that | | | | prove grandma wrong, didn't we? But now tests |
| Kylie Minogue is planning to complete the | | | | done by researchers from the Common Cold |
| Australian leg of her postponed 'Showgirl' tour | | | | Centre at Cardiff University have shown that |
| towards the end of next year. A Melbourne | | | | being chilly, cold and wet - even for a mere |
| newspaper, The Herald Sun, has revealed that an | | | | twenty minutes, really can cause a cold to |
| announcement regarding the re-scheduling of | | | | develop. Grandma was right all along. |
| dates will take place next month. The last news I | | | | Other tales once ridiculed, but that have now |
| heard on Kylie was that she had been given the | | | | been proven to have substance: Drinking chicken |
| all-clear and although she was still weak following | | | | soup relieves the symptoms of a cold. Feed a |
| the chemotherapy in Paris, she was strong | | | | cold, but starve a fever. And skipping breakfast |
| enough to fly home to Australia for Xmas. Get | | | | increases the risk of catching colds and flu. These, |
| well soon, gal! All your gay fans wish you a full | | | | all once old wives tales, have now through |
| and speedy recovery, and eagerly await your | | | | scientific tests been proven to be accurate - and |
| return! | | | | somehow I now find myself happy that grandma |
| Moving on: I found the statistics from Road File | | | | really did know her stuff. God! I truly must be |
| 05, a publication from the Road Users' Alliance, | | | | getting old! |
| made interesting reading. They reveal: the UK's | | | | I'll leave you with another thing that my |
| motorways are more jammed with traffic than | | | | grandmother used to tell me: "Spare the rod and |
| those of any other major European country; lack | | | | spoil the child." With the yob factor that we suffer |
| of road capacity is damaging British business and | | | | today, I'm inclined to believe this tale may be |
| is responsible for stunting growth in the regions; | | | | correct too! And I'm just wondering how long it |
| our roads carry more than 93% of all our | | | | will take for science to prove it! |
| passenger travelling undertaken; our motorway | | | | See you all next week... |
| system ranks 15th in Europe (measured by length | | | | "The Bitch!" 18/11/05. |